In this blog post, I honestly look back on the intense worries of my senior year of high school and how I was able to grow through the process.
Most adults in South Korea have experienced senior year of high school
Senior year is the last year of school before entering the real world, and it is a time to re-examine the 12 years of study and work hard for the College Scholastic Ability Test. Senior year students have no worries about society and cannot imagine the stress and pain they will experience when they enter the real world. However, senior year will be remembered by them as the most difficult, exhausting, and upsetting time of their lives. I was the same. When I was in my third year of high school, I thought to myself, “Will I ever have to go through something that hard again?” But now that I’m a freshman in college, I think that those days were actually less difficult, less lonely, and less stressful. Sometimes I even feel that those days were fun and enjoyable. So sometimes I reminisce about those days and indulge in my memories.
When I was in high school, I couldn’t understand why my senior classmates who had graduated from the school often visited the school. Would I want to come back to this prison-like school surrounded by these annoying red brick walls? But, strangely enough, I also missed it. I miss the school buildings made of red bricks, the night sky I used to look at on the playground whenever I was having a hard time, and the shower room where I used to take a shower with my friends. I also miss the conversations I had with my friends in the dark every night, the spicy chicken and korean fried chicken we used to eat with our roommates on our birthdays, and the stomachaches we used to suffer from the next day. Perhaps I feel that way because I was satisfied with the results that came back to me. Friends who did not do well regret those days, but they all agree that they had fun at the time.
The beginning and process of the third year of high school
There were moments when I realized that I had become a senior in high school. When my seniors came back from taking the College Scholastic Ability Test (CSAT) and talked about their scores, when my seniors were accepted to college and left our boarding school one by one, and when my junior classmates came in after winter vacation when the classrooms and dorm rooms were changed, I felt like I had really become a senior in high school. Every time I felt anxious and confused, imagining my future and my life after the college entrance exam. When I couldn’t concentrate, I would complain, “Who created the college entrance exam?” and “Why do we have to spend our youth sitting at a desk?” and dream of escaping. So I would beg my friends to sneak out to Cheonan and go to the internet cafe or run away to a local restaurant in front of the school. When it was difficult to escape, I would sing along to hip-hop music in the club room or buy a bestselling book to escape reality for a while and immerse myself in the world of the book.
However, the sense of responsibility and anxiety of reality that came after such an escape was greater than I had thought. If I had tried to escape again, I would still have remained a child who had not yet become independent from my parents. In the end, I realized that reality cannot be escaped, and I used the brief escape as an opportunity to recharge and face reality. I studied for a long time on a chair during the winter vacation, repeating the cycle of escape and confrontation. I tried to change my daily routine for the college entrance exam by getting rid of the habit of taking naps and trying to go to bed before 1:00 a.m. I put a lot of effort into the college entrance exam, thinking about my parents, my future, and my dreams, and the winter vacation passed.
When I got cocky and failed my first mock exam as a senior in high school, I thought I had experienced the same kind of hardship that students go through. I was depressed for a few days, and I felt like the time I had spent studying was wasted. When I felt that way, the first thing that came to mind was the comfort of my parents. When I called my parents and complained about the difficulties I was facing, I found that I was able to calm down when my parents gave me a few words of warm comfort. I realized that the days of wandering around because of a word from my parents disappeared easily, and I found myself trying not to disappoint them. Since that day, I have been writing down my determination and the number of days remaining on a Post-it note every morning to renew my determination. This small habit, which I started to cherish each day and live without regret, gave me great strength until the day of the College Scholastic Ability Test.
I took the test again with a renewed determination, and this time I got back to where I was, or rather, I was able to get a slightly higher score. From then on, I tried to maintain my study style and daily routine. I saw my friends struggling, but I tried not to be swayed by that, and I didn’t forget to give them the right amount of advice.
The College Scholastic Ability Test and After
The day of the college entrance exam finally arrived. My parents, who used to come to see me every two weeks, came to see me the night before the exam and stayed overnight. They came to the test center to cheer me on the morning of the exam. Thanks to that, I once again made a promise to myself to do well on the test. My parents said that my expression looked much calmer than that of my other friends, because I had been practicing a mind control technique to keep my cool if I messed up on the SAT to help me relax.
When I entered the test center and the test began, I felt almost no tension. The SAT was over, and it felt like I had just taken a practice test, but I was more exhausted than ever. I smiled without thinking as I was embraced by my parents, who had been waiting for me all day to cheer me on. But I was more nervous than during the SAT, and my parents and I were all anxious until the answer was revealed. In any case, I got the best grade in my senior year of high school and was eventually accepted into the pre-med program at Seoul National University. My senior year of high school ended like this, and I packed my things at school after saying goodbye to my friends.
Friends who went to KAIST said, “Early graduates who haven’t experienced senior year are still like children.” It may be true. Early graduates may have experienced their own difficulties, but they probably didn’t have the opportunity to grow through the same trials and tribulations as senior year. Through the experience of being a senior in high school, I grew and learned how to deal with difficulties. Although I spent an unfairly long amount of time at my desk, the achievements and growth I made have made me who I am today, so I am grateful for that. I am also sincerely grateful to my friends who went through that time with me and to my parents who have watched over me to the end.
