In this blog post, let’s explore together how even a small shift in perspective can help us understand others and foster our own personal growth.
Every Thursday morning, I volunteer as a guide outside the Department of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation at Boramae Hospital. As a guide, I help patients and their caregivers find their way around the hospital and assist them with using the self-service payment kiosks. Since my role involves guiding people through the hospital facilities, I don’t have many opportunities to see patients up close, nor do I usually have to observe them closely, so I don’t know them very well. However, not long ago, I got to know a middle-aged female patient who visits the Department of Rehabilitation Medicine every Thursday morning. I first took notice of her when she called out to me in a somewhat loud voice, “Hey, student!” Sitting in her wheelchair, she beckoned me over with a gesture and asked me to do various things—from making her coffee to gathering her belongings, securing her belongings to her wheelchair, and even helping her get dressed.
My first impression of her wasn’t very good. That’s because, at first, I had to constantly listen to her complaints about how clumsy I was in helping her. He complained repeatedly—saying the coffee I brought was too weak or too hot, or that I was working too slowly. Furthermore, I found it hard to understand his attitude of asking me, a complete stranger, to do various tasks as if it were the most natural thing in the world, simply because I was wearing a volunteer vest. During that short time, I found myself thinking, “This isn’t even my job,” and “Do I really have to put up with complaints while I’m helping him?” Although I didn’t let it show and helped her until the very end, I couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye with a cheerful heart when she left.
However, as I continued to help her every week after that, we gradually grew closer, and I realized that I had misunderstood her all along. While I was helping her, she would boast about her son and ask me about my college life, and we naturally began to have casual conversations frequently. When she finished her treatment and was about to leave, she would always come over to where I was sitting and say, “I pray for you every day. I’m always grateful, and may you be blessed.”
As I talked with her and observed her every Thursday, I came to realize that speaking in a loud voice was simply her usual way of speaking. One day, the area in front of the restroom was blocked by a patient transport bed. Since she couldn’t move the bed herself, she said in a loud voice, “Whoever put this bed here, move it out of the way right now!” Startled, everyone around her looked at her, and one person approached, moved the bed, and then walked away. Since she often had to ask others for help like this, it seemed she naturally spoke in a loud voice to get people’s attention.
Even without that specific reason, I realized that if I were unable to do many things on my own and had to wait for others’ help, I, too, would likely become irritable as a sense of helplessness and stress built up. Now that I’ve grown somewhat close to her, when I think back to the moment we first met, I feel a sense of guilt for some reason. Thinking, “She had no choice—she didn’t do that because she wanted to,” I began to reflect on whether I had been judging the situation solely from my own perspective.
When I told my mom about this, she immediately said, “How frustrating it must be for her to act that way. She can’t even get dressed by herself—it must be so hard for her.” Hearing that, I realized, “I’m still someone who thinks only from my own perspective—a person who’s grown physically but is still immature in my thinking.”
On the day I first met that person, I didn’t refuse to help or act rudely, so no one would blame me for that. What I regret and reflect on isn’t my actions, but my mindset at that time. I believe that when interacting with others, one’s mindset is more important than one’s actions.
Many people tend to focus more on their outward behavior than on their inner thoughts when interacting with others. However, I believe that if you consistently act contrary to your true feelings—or, to put it a bit more strongly, repeatedly deceive yourself—it becomes a habit even if you don’t realize it. In the process, you end up causing yourself stress and making yourself miserable.
Moreover, since I’m not good at hiding my expressions or telling lies, my true feelings often slip out. That’s why, even when conflicts arise with others, I try not to harbor feelings of hatred toward them. Of course, one might argue that the very act of trying not to hate someone is, in itself, a sign of not being honest with one’s own emotions. In reality, it’s never easy to avoid harboring negative feelings toward someone when you’ve been deeply hurt. Therefore, one might think that forcing oneself not to hate someone could actually become a burden on the heart.
However, that wasn’t the case for me. Nothing tormented me more than the feeling of disliking someone else. So, instead, I began to think from the other person’s perspective and make an effort to understand them. This wasn’t just for their sake—ultimately, it was also for my own.
In fact, no matter how much I reflect on it, it’s not easy to control myself by prioritizing reason over emotion when someone else has hurt me. That’s why a vague resolution like “I mustn’t dislike others” doesn’t work very well. I once saw a post online that said, “Don’t look for the cause of conflict in others; look for it within yourself.” It explained that even in the same situation, your mindset changes depending on your perspective, and this allows you to resolve conflicts more smoothly.
In interpersonal relationships, there aren’t many cases where I can directly change another person’s behavior. I’ve come to realize that when I can’t change a situation, rather than trying to change the situation itself, if I briefly shift my perspective on it, I feel much more at ease—and as a result, I can view the issues that had been troubling me more positively. Since then, even in similar situations, instead of asking, “Why is that person acting that way toward me?” I’ve started to first ask myself, “What did I do that might have caused that person to act that way?” Similarly, instead of asking, “Why is that patient acting that way toward me?” I was able to shift my perspective to ask, “What might have caused them to act that way?” The sense of guilt I felt was likely due to my initial failure to consider things from that angle. This attitude of first reflecting on the cause of conflict from my own perspective has been a great help in understanding others.
I believe that when I have shortcomings—rather than when I’m doing well—there is greater meaning in striving to address those shortcomings. That is why I still consider myself a decent person, despite my flaws. This doesn’t mean I always successfully live up to my resolution to “not hate others.” I know what the better course of action is, but when emotions really boil over, there are many times when I forget everything I know. At times like that, regret washes over me later. Although I still have a long way to go, I’m striving to move beyond my current immaturity and become a more mature person. Now, I think I’m a pretty decent person because I can sincerely and cheerfully say to that woman, “Please be careful on your way home!”
